Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Stage 3

Boy it has certainly been quiet around here, huh? I honestly haven't had the gumption to write anything, and today is really no different. I have definitely hit the depression stage. It happened unexpectedly about two weeks ago. Wham-o and there it was!

For me, that means not really wanting to talk about what is going on or how I feel. Who really gives a crap? I feel horrible for not being able to perform adequately at school, and not really wanting to do anything meaningful once I get home. So basically, I'm just here.

I did take a trip to Medical College of South Carolina yesterday to meet with a doctor there. The hope is that he can find out what caused the disease and possibly slow it down. He took 14 vials of blood, so surely something will come out of that. I have to call him next week to get the results, but I don't have to see him again for 3 months.

I have to have an ultrasound every six months to make sure that cancer is not present. There is an increased risk, albeit small, that I could develop it. If caught early enough, I would immediately go into transplant mode. The biggie is that I have to lose some more weight to even be a candidate for a liver. The eating is not really the problem anymore since most things make me gag (like dairy, sugar, breads, etc.); the problem is that I am so exhausted that I am going to be making myself push through that to exercise every day to speed up the weight loss. I continue to gain and lose the same two stinking pounds. The exercise should push me over the edge (in more ways than one).

He did validate my exhaustion. That is the number one symptom for those with my condition. Today, I plan to go straight home and crawl in the bed. That's where I really want to be anyway. I don't even care if I'm sleeping, I just want to lay there doing and thinking nothing.

For those who have wondered if I am still angry or get that way.....heck, yes! The stages of grief are not rigid. They come and go as they please, and sometimes hit you when you least expect it. I have had a few "why me?" moments lately. For the most part, I am able to shake those and remember, "why not me?". I'm no better than the next person. I just want to be a better person on the other side of all of this.

Hoping it won't be too long before the next post....take care!

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

random thoughts

I cannot really go on with my posts about the grieving process because I honestly don't know where I am. Somewhere between several of the steps depending on the day! I have made it almost 3 weeks without missing a day of work, so that makes me very happy. Some days are better than others right now, but without the horrible stomach issues, I feel like a new woman.

Here's what is going on in our lives.......

a whole lotta nothing!

That's right folks, even our family has times that are boring and we are grateful. Now, what I call "boring" and you call boring might look like two different things. Like getting two phone calls on the same night at the same time from two different families that their loved ones might be dying. That just throws us into go mode, but we are use to it! Neither died, btw, thankfully!

Steve bought his Christmas present early....a gun. I haven't seen it much less touched it, and that is fine with me. I would never tell a person they couldn't have a gun (a law-abiding citizen anyway), but that doesn't mean I like 'em. I don't. However, I do understand the need to feel secure, and our place is crime-ridden. We haven't ever been hit, but that doesn't mean it can't happen. So, as long as I don't have to deal with it, it's fine. Still creeps me out, though.

Stevie is thriving at school. Loves her classes and what she is doing. I am so proud of her, my heart just bursts when she talks about how much she loves it.

Luke is Luke. We get no more information out of him than we did when he lived here.....haha! Boys: they are NOT forthcoming with tidbits to ease the mind of the momma. I think he really likes being at school.

Empty-nesting? It's GREAT! Everyone should try it. We eat what we want when we want and we go to bed without having to wait up for someone. Y'all said I would like it, and I have to admit that I do!

That's about it. I have an appointment in Charleston at MUSC on the 21st. I think I will hear more of the same, at least I hope nothing is worse. If they tell me something better than the news I keep hearing, we'll thank God  and give Him all the glory. Either way, may our actions speak louder than our words (bc I know I've been complaining!) so that ALL will know God's got this!

Saturday, October 4, 2014


When I was a good bit younger, I use to get mad about the stupidest things. I mean, seriously, "stupid angry" about insignificant problems that weren't really problems. I've gotten a lot more mellow as the years have gone by (being a PW will do that to you), and now reserve my anger for more important matters. That is to say that I rarely get angry.  However, if I do, watch out!

That anger is a lot different than the anger experienced through the grief process. Being angry about illness makes me ill as a hornet. It's like my nerves are on the outside of my body and those who dare, touch them. I hate that feeling. I've had to do a lot of praying to get myself through that stage quickly, and xanax helps too!

I just couldn't stay parked there because it made me feel worse; and while I feel as though I am through it, I still feel it rear its ugly head from time to time. I have to stamp it down, and remember that there is a purpose for this. The bad thing about any of these stages of grief is that they can revisit at any time. This is one stage that I don't want to revisit or stay in.

I have to say that blogging again has cleared my head as I'd hoped it would. It helps me put things in perspective. While the writing is no where near my standards, I haven't seemed to care because it allows me to get it off my chest and move on. There are some things, unfortunately, that I can't even share here. Poor Steve has been getting an earful lately about those things I can't write about. I'd never want the superpower of reading minds. I sure don't want anyone to read mine! It is hard to not have the ability to share things with someone. I really don't want to burden Steve, and I truly hate talking on the phone. So, I'm glad the walls can't talk. I know Steve won't judge me, and that's important to me at this point.