Tuesday, August 18, 2015

No quiet or rest

Let me tell you...there has been no rest and no quiet around here since my last post. Every kid has had something major going on, Steve has been finishing up his final doctoral class, I have been traveling and/or sick, and the list goes on and on. I'm beginning to think I should have stayed in Pattyville (my old blog) where I at least expected the drama! LOL

People have asked me how the wedding planning is going. Well, it's almost here so planned or not it's gonna happen. Helping Shea plan has not been the happy go lucky experience I had hoped. It has been stressful and expensive! I'm thrilled that Shea found "the one" and that she is blissfully in love. I'm happy that Steve and I have been able to provide most of her wants for her special day. I know it's going to be a fun-filled day that will pass by too fast, but I can't say I'll be sad to see it go......of course, it helps that I leave on a cruise the next day! Yes. I'm letting Steve come too.

Stevie has been super duper busy with school and in the midst of all of that, someone she thinks a lot of was diagnosed with breast cancer. That hit her incredibly hard, and she is still reeling from it, I think. She doesn't share much about her inner feelings so for her to say something at all means she is hurting, and that is heartbreaking. However, it also makes me so proud of the way she loves people whole-heartedly.

I cannot begin to discuss the adventures of Luke which have caused at least one ulcer. That is a blog post unto itself, and it will probably never happen...I can't relive it :)

Steve is D.O.N.E.  No more classes! He only has to finish up his dissertation and defend it before he graduates in May. It's been a long ride with many people to thank for their encouragement and support along the way. That's a blog post I know he looks forward to writing.

School started back today in Kershaw County where I worked for the last five years. I thought I would be sad or depressed, but surprisingly, I've decided not working is not so bad. Those who know me understand that statement. I've had a hard time letting go, but on to the next phase of my life. I'm not quite sure where that phase is leading right now (currently to Netflix!), but when I figure it out, I'll be sure to let you know.

There have been many other adventures this summer, and I'm glad to see that fall is right around the corner. I'm ready for cooler weather, FOOTBALL, leaves changing, and the coming of the holidays. My life is changing as I enter a new season. I hope to embrace it and make the most of every day. I also hope for a little more "quiet rest"!

Friday, June 19, 2015

God met me there

We went to the Southern Baptist Convention in Columbus, Ohio this past week. It was a great (albeit LONG) trip, and we had a good time. Thankfully, God met me there.

He knew that I needed a special touch from Him because the loneliness and despair I was feeling had covered my heart and soul like a wool cloak. I was in a total state of  emptiness, and had sunken pretty deep into what felt like paralyzing quicksand . He also knew that I needed that touch from Him to be in human form.

I had gotten a small glimmer of hope that Friday before we left when I received an email from a former co-worker who wanted to check to see if we could stay in touch. I clung to her every word reading and re-reading this simple gesture of friendship. It gave me hope that all was not lost, and I did indeed have someone outside of my family who cared.

That email carried me through Monday when low and behold, I looked up and there sitting just a short ways from us was my friend, Mikki. Also a pastor's wife and librarian, she too had recently moved to a new church and so I hadn't seen her in about a year. When I got to her I just began to cry because I knew that God had heard my pleas and provided just what I needed at that moment. You see, when you are without school age children, a job, or a place where you can make trusted friends, loneliness takes on a whole new level.

What I was reminded of while at the SBC was that God loves me and meets my every need. He showed me this through sermon after sermon that invigorated my passion for life. I'm still not 100% where I need to be, but I know I can get there. I still can't be everything to everyone. I have to be Steve's wife and it seems that my kids need me now more than in recent years as they begin to embark on their on adventures. I have new adventures that I want to set out on.

I'm so grateful that God loves me and provides. As I pull myself out of this quicksand, I know that He is my lifeline and will show me the way. He didn't need to prove that, but He did.

Saturday, June 6, 2015

letting go

I've been doing a lot of soul searching in the last couple of weeks, and have probably written at least four or five posts in my head. However, I just kept changing my mind and honestly trying to decide if blogging was the best outlet for me these days. Obviously, I decided to work it out in words here rather than in my jumbled brain.

I have a hard time letting go. Of things, people, situations, etc. So, I hang on to them so that I can revisit when I can't sleep or I get too lonely. It's not healthy. I began a couple of weeks ago to ask God to help me let some things go. I need to look forward instead of backwards and enjoy the life I'm in. I'm still not there yet, but the Lord did reveal to me yesterday that all of the things I obsess about have made me the person I am today. And that's true. Furthermore, I like the person I am.

I am much better than I was a year ago, five years ago, certainly 25 years ago when I married. I've been through a lot, there's always been drama whether of my own making or not, its always played a part in my life. I. hate. drama. HATE IT! I won't go into details, that would take forever, but between the tumultuous relationship with my mother to the constant moving and trying to be everything to everyone in addition to always giving up my career,it just seems like life has not been peaceful.

This is not to say that there haven't been good times....great times, even. It just is what it is.
Today, I choose to let go of those negative thoughts, people, and experiences that have plagued me for so long. I'm giving up on my dream to again work in a school setting, it's too dangerous at this point for my health and I'm tired of jumping through the hoops that each state puts in place. I'm letting go of trying to control the future of my children....for this, I should receive thanks! haha  They each have to do what they feel is right for themselves, and make their own mistakes. Other things, I let go of a long time ago and realized that lessons had to be learned.

I'm ready to live a life that makes me happy and is also pleasing to God (because ultimately that will make me happy!). I no longer choose to worry about what others think, or say, or do. They don't control me, and quite frankly won't stand beside me when tough things happen. There is no room in my world for negativity. I don't want to hear it, and I want to stop living it.

We all have so much to live for and to be thankful for. I could do a whole post on things I'm thankful for, and I will. But today, I have rambled enough. This post may not make sense to you, and that's okay. It's my blog and I'll ramble if I want to!

Monday, May 18, 2015


There's no way that I can go into detail about all that has happened since my last post. So, I will just try to give the overview with an effort to do better as we move on!

In January, Shea's boyfriend, Cliff, was deployed. I went to stay with her for a week, and the wedding planning began. Nope, they weren't engaged just planning to get married (at that time they wanted to do it in April!). I talked her into moving it back and they chose Sept. Whew.....I was glad they did because I had NO idea how expensive a wedding is in today's world.

February. I began having severe pain in my right side. That lasted two weeks, and finally it was concluded that I needed to have fluid removed from my abdominal cavity. That immediately alleviated the pain and I got a ton better. At that point I had lost 86 pounds. Super excited about that, but I did gain a little back. However, I am now back down 70 pounds with hopes to lose at least another 25 before the wedding.

March and April were great health-wise! I've now started to have a few problems with my stomach again, but praying that I'll be good as new asap!

Luke finished up his first year of college and has decided that he wants to go into the Navy. I will not discuss it.

Stevie is doing beautifully at school. We are super proud of all that she has accomplished.

Wedding planning continues as we move on into the summer. We have lots of stuff planned, so I'll just have to help when I can with that.

Great things are on the horizon. I hope that I can get my act together and actually write some meaningful blogs that inspire or teach people something. That is my hope and purpose in blogging.

Til next time,


Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Whew! A lot has happened since that last post. I did get the results of all of that bloodwork, and I have autoimmune hepatitis. The doc believes that I have had it for some time. So, there we have it...nothing I can really do about it.

As most of you know, the entire first semester of school I was very, very sick. I finally went on family medical leave to give myself some much needed rest, and to allow the library to have a substitute when I was out, which has been a lot. Of course, the sicker I got, the more Steve and I prayed that the Lord would give us a solution to this problem or heal me completely. He did give us a solution, and that was to move--quite rapidly!

A church contacted Steve and moved unusually fast to get him voted in and moved so that he could start at the beginning of January. We have been here two weeks, but in some ways it feels like a lifetime. I quit my job, leaving behind not only people I loved, but my insurance and salary as well. The church made concessions that were certainly a God thing that allowed us to come. His hand has been all over this! We are excited about the possibilities here, and it has given me the rest I need to get well. My stomach issues are almost gone.

 I've lost 60 pounds, with a good bit more to go, but I'm so proud of that accomplishment I could bust! I hope to start taking daily walks when the weather warms up a little. It has been bitterly cold, and the one symptom I have from my liver disease is that I can't get warm. I wear gloves in the house, y'all! If you have known me a while, you know that I have always been very hot-natured. No longer, I'm actually ready for some warmer weather.

We are excited about what the future holds. I'll be getting back to my posts about the stages of grief soon. It feels good to write again.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.  Ephesians 3:20-21

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Stage 3

Boy it has certainly been quiet around here, huh? I honestly haven't had the gumption to write anything, and today is really no different. I have definitely hit the depression stage. It happened unexpectedly about two weeks ago. Wham-o and there it was!

For me, that means not really wanting to talk about what is going on or how I feel. Who really gives a crap? I feel horrible for not being able to perform adequately at school, and not really wanting to do anything meaningful once I get home. So basically, I'm just here.

I did take a trip to Medical College of South Carolina yesterday to meet with a doctor there. The hope is that he can find out what caused the disease and possibly slow it down. He took 14 vials of blood, so surely something will come out of that. I have to call him next week to get the results, but I don't have to see him again for 3 months.

I have to have an ultrasound every six months to make sure that cancer is not present. There is an increased risk, albeit small, that I could develop it. If caught early enough, I would immediately go into transplant mode. The biggie is that I have to lose some more weight to even be a candidate for a liver. The eating is not really the problem anymore since most things make me gag (like dairy, sugar, breads, etc.); the problem is that I am so exhausted that I am going to be making myself push through that to exercise every day to speed up the weight loss. I continue to gain and lose the same two stinking pounds. The exercise should push me over the edge (in more ways than one).

He did validate my exhaustion. That is the number one symptom for those with my condition. Today, I plan to go straight home and crawl in the bed. That's where I really want to be anyway. I don't even care if I'm sleeping, I just want to lay there doing and thinking nothing.

For those who have wondered if I am still angry or get that way.....heck, yes! The stages of grief are not rigid. They come and go as they please, and sometimes hit you when you least expect it. I have had a few "why me?" moments lately. For the most part, I am able to shake those and remember, "why not me?". I'm no better than the next person. I just want to be a better person on the other side of all of this.

Hoping it won't be too long before the next post....take care!

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

random thoughts

I cannot really go on with my posts about the grieving process because I honestly don't know where I am. Somewhere between several of the steps depending on the day! I have made it almost 3 weeks without missing a day of work, so that makes me very happy. Some days are better than others right now, but without the horrible stomach issues, I feel like a new woman.

Here's what is going on in our lives.......

a whole lotta nothing!

That's right folks, even our family has times that are boring and we are grateful. Now, what I call "boring" and you call boring might look like two different things. Like getting two phone calls on the same night at the same time from two different families that their loved ones might be dying. That just throws us into go mode, but we are use to it! Neither died, btw, thankfully!

Steve bought his Christmas present early....a gun. I haven't seen it much less touched it, and that is fine with me. I would never tell a person they couldn't have a gun (a law-abiding citizen anyway), but that doesn't mean I like 'em. I don't. However, I do understand the need to feel secure, and our place is crime-ridden. We haven't ever been hit, but that doesn't mean it can't happen. So, as long as I don't have to deal with it, it's fine. Still creeps me out, though.

Stevie is thriving at school. Loves her classes and what she is doing. I am so proud of her, my heart just bursts when she talks about how much she loves it.

Luke is Luke. We get no more information out of him than we did when he lived here.....haha! Boys: they are NOT forthcoming with tidbits to ease the mind of the momma. I think he really likes being at school.

Empty-nesting? It's GREAT! Everyone should try it. We eat what we want when we want and we go to bed without having to wait up for someone. Y'all said I would like it, and I have to admit that I do!

That's about it. I have an appointment in Charleston at MUSC on the 21st. I think I will hear more of the same, at least I hope nothing is worse. If they tell me something better than the news I keep hearing, we'll thank God  and give Him all the glory. Either way, may our actions speak louder than our words (bc I know I've been complaining!) so that ALL will know God's got this!