Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Stage 3

Boy it has certainly been quiet around here, huh? I honestly haven't had the gumption to write anything, and today is really no different. I have definitely hit the depression stage. It happened unexpectedly about two weeks ago. Wham-o and there it was!

For me, that means not really wanting to talk about what is going on or how I feel. Who really gives a crap? I feel horrible for not being able to perform adequately at school, and not really wanting to do anything meaningful once I get home. So basically, I'm just here.

I did take a trip to Medical College of South Carolina yesterday to meet with a doctor there. The hope is that he can find out what caused the disease and possibly slow it down. He took 14 vials of blood, so surely something will come out of that. I have to call him next week to get the results, but I don't have to see him again for 3 months.

I have to have an ultrasound every six months to make sure that cancer is not present. There is an increased risk, albeit small, that I could develop it. If caught early enough, I would immediately go into transplant mode. The biggie is that I have to lose some more weight to even be a candidate for a liver. The eating is not really the problem anymore since most things make me gag (like dairy, sugar, breads, etc.); the problem is that I am so exhausted that I am going to be making myself push through that to exercise every day to speed up the weight loss. I continue to gain and lose the same two stinking pounds. The exercise should push me over the edge (in more ways than one).

He did validate my exhaustion. That is the number one symptom for those with my condition. Today, I plan to go straight home and crawl in the bed. That's where I really want to be anyway. I don't even care if I'm sleeping, I just want to lay there doing and thinking nothing.

For those who have wondered if I am still angry or get that way.....heck, yes! The stages of grief are not rigid. They come and go as they please, and sometimes hit you when you least expect it. I have had a few "why me?" moments lately. For the most part, I am able to shake those and remember, "why not me?". I'm no better than the next person. I just want to be a better person on the other side of all of this.

Hoping it won't be too long before the next post....take care!

1 comment:

  1. I read all of your Posts and you're in my thoughts and prayers all the time. I understand your depression, but hope you can fight through it. You are a fighter and you'll beat this! I know how hard trying to lose weight is. I use Leslie Sansome Walk at Home Videos, they're perfect for an old fart like me. Even when I have no energy I do one of her walks and feel better. I have Pernicious Anemia and have to take B12 shots, so I know what you mean about having no energy. Hang in there, you've still got a lot of living to do.