Friday, June 19, 2015

God met me there

We went to the Southern Baptist Convention in Columbus, Ohio this past week. It was a great (albeit LONG) trip, and we had a good time. Thankfully, God met me there.

He knew that I needed a special touch from Him because the loneliness and despair I was feeling had covered my heart and soul like a wool cloak. I was in a total state of  emptiness, and had sunken pretty deep into what felt like paralyzing quicksand . He also knew that I needed that touch from Him to be in human form.

I had gotten a small glimmer of hope that Friday before we left when I received an email from a former co-worker who wanted to check to see if we could stay in touch. I clung to her every word reading and re-reading this simple gesture of friendship. It gave me hope that all was not lost, and I did indeed have someone outside of my family who cared.

That email carried me through Monday when low and behold, I looked up and there sitting just a short ways from us was my friend, Mikki. Also a pastor's wife and librarian, she too had recently moved to a new church and so I hadn't seen her in about a year. When I got to her I just began to cry because I knew that God had heard my pleas and provided just what I needed at that moment. You see, when you are without school age children, a job, or a place where you can make trusted friends, loneliness takes on a whole new level.

What I was reminded of while at the SBC was that God loves me and meets my every need. He showed me this through sermon after sermon that invigorated my passion for life. I'm still not 100% where I need to be, but I know I can get there. I still can't be everything to everyone. I have to be Steve's wife and it seems that my kids need me now more than in recent years as they begin to embark on their on adventures. I have new adventures that I want to set out on.

I'm so grateful that God loves me and provides. As I pull myself out of this quicksand, I know that He is my lifeline and will show me the way. He didn't need to prove that, but He did.

Saturday, June 6, 2015

letting go

I've been doing a lot of soul searching in the last couple of weeks, and have probably written at least four or five posts in my head. However, I just kept changing my mind and honestly trying to decide if blogging was the best outlet for me these days. Obviously, I decided to work it out in words here rather than in my jumbled brain.

I have a hard time letting go. Of things, people, situations, etc. So, I hang on to them so that I can revisit when I can't sleep or I get too lonely. It's not healthy. I began a couple of weeks ago to ask God to help me let some things go. I need to look forward instead of backwards and enjoy the life I'm in. I'm still not there yet, but the Lord did reveal to me yesterday that all of the things I obsess about have made me the person I am today. And that's true. Furthermore, I like the person I am.

I am much better than I was a year ago, five years ago, certainly 25 years ago when I married. I've been through a lot, there's always been drama whether of my own making or not, its always played a part in my life. I. hate. drama. HATE IT! I won't go into details, that would take forever, but between the tumultuous relationship with my mother to the constant moving and trying to be everything to everyone in addition to always giving up my career,it just seems like life has not been peaceful.

This is not to say that there haven't been good times....great times, even. It just is what it is.
Today, I choose to let go of those negative thoughts, people, and experiences that have plagued me for so long. I'm giving up on my dream to again work in a school setting, it's too dangerous at this point for my health and I'm tired of jumping through the hoops that each state puts in place. I'm letting go of trying to control the future of my children....for this, I should receive thanks! haha  They each have to do what they feel is right for themselves, and make their own mistakes. Other things, I let go of a long time ago and realized that lessons had to be learned.

I'm ready to live a life that makes me happy and is also pleasing to God (because ultimately that will make me happy!). I no longer choose to worry about what others think, or say, or do. They don't control me, and quite frankly won't stand beside me when tough things happen. There is no room in my world for negativity. I don't want to hear it, and I want to stop living it.

We all have so much to live for and to be thankful for. I could do a whole post on things I'm thankful for, and I will. But today, I have rambled enough. This post may not make sense to you, and that's okay. It's my blog and I'll ramble if I want to!