denial

I am going to preface this post by saying that I am in no way comparing the grief of losing a loved one with the grief on an illness. I've been through the first, and it was horrible, this is different.

Denial

This is a happy place! I lived here for several months, and found that I liked it very much. I wasn't concerned about what was happening; honestly, I felt every appointment that I would be told that a horrible mistake had been made. That, indeed, I did not have anything wrong with me. I didn't cry about it or even think that much about it except when I was forced. Yes, denial is great.

There is one problem with denial, however, and that is that you eventually have to face reality. If I had my way, I'd still be skipping happily along. Reality sucks. The Reality was that the one week that I got to see Sam and Jack, I landed in the hospital the day after they arrived. I had a lot of plans for them, but they weren't able to happen. I don't really think they cared, and it probably helped Stevie and Luke not worry so much, so in the end it was ok.

People live in denial about all kinds of things. Death, disease, divorce, Heaven, Hell......you name it, and someone is probably denying its existence. I cannot live in that space anymore. I must face what is to come. I actually moved on after my hospital stay to stage 2, anger. That wasn't pretty! But, I will talk more about it later.

One thing I learned while in denial is that, I believe, it is God's way of shielding us from news we just can't bear. He is so good to us in that way. He holds our burdens when the weight of them simply drag us down. He holds them all of the time. We don't even have to pick them back up.

A friend of mine commented that I was strong. No, I'm not strong. I would easily curl into a ball, cry myself to sleep, and refuse to get out of bed any day of the week. I keep pressing only because I believe the promise in the Bible, "in my weakness, He is strong". Just like the children's song:

Jesus loves me, this I know
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong
For I am weak, and He is strong.
Yes, Jesus loves me

He loves us all, and holds tight when we are falling. The Bible also tells us that "God is the Father to the Fatherless". Ps. 68:5 What I wouldn't do for a hug from my dad, but arms of peace surrounding me by the Father is even sweeter.

2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.